Lets dive straight in at the deep end! 2016 has been the worst year of my life as on the 29th June this year, my dad passed away of oesophagus cancer. This is been the hardest possible thing I have ever had to go through and I would wish it upon anyone. The constant feel of sorrow and pain in your heart is unbearable and all I want is to speak to him one more time! Dad, if you are reading this from up in the sky, just know that I love you and everything I do is with you in my mind.
At first, I tried to bottle up all of my emotions to try and seem strong in front of my family but that did not work at all which led me to have what I think was an emotional breakdown where I spent three days straight just crying and not knowing what to do with myself. I would like to say I am better now but in all honesty, I don't know as I am one of those people that find it hard to express their emotions, hence why it has taken me so long to write this post. At this present moment in time, my main focus is my education as I know that is what my dad would've wanted rather than sit doing nothing whilst thinking about him. I have also become extremely engaged with the things he used to love of mine, such as singing and photography.
Singing in particular is something that I have done simply for my dad as he loved my voice ever so much. In fact, whenever I sing, I always have a little glass heart in my pocket; that little glass heart was what I held in my dad's hand when I last saw him so it really means a lot. Also, I always have him in mind when deciding what song to sing, whether its a song he loved or one that I feel is connected to our relationship e.g. I recently sang the song "Ain't No Sunshine" at school which I know was one of his favourites as we both love the Motown era. All he would ever want is for me to be happy and doing the things that he loved, they are the only things that can make me remotely happy as even though I may seem happy on the outside, that sorrow is always in my heart.
Someone else who is currently in my shoes and is experiencing these traumatic times is Louis Tomlinson, someone who I have grown extreme admiration for. If you didn't know on the 7th December Louis' mum Joanna passed away of leukaemia and all I can do is feel such love towards him and how strong he is being. On the 10th December, just a few days after his mother's tragic passing, Louis performed as a solo artist for the first time, an extremely courageous act. The reason why I am going into so much depth with this story is because Louis dedicated this song (which he had written) to his mum and instead of writing a slow-tempo and depressing song, Louis decided to write a up-tempo song embracing her life and his last memories of her, something which I think is truly incredible! Here is the song below...
Heartbreak is the worst possible drug. It lingers for years and years and all you want is for it to go away. It is like your heart is barricaded and no sad emotions can escape. Another important lesson is that grief is gradual and everyone grieves differently, I didn't really hit me for a couple of months but when it did, i felt like my whole world was crumbling down. Death is a tragic factor but at the end of the day, it sadly happens to everyone and some people just don't have as much time on this earth than people would like.
To dad,
If you are looking down on my right now, please just recognise my immense empathy for you. You were my everything and I wouldn't be the person I am today without you! Everything I will ever do, I will do for you and I hope to achieve for you as I know you wish for me to. Wherever you may be, you are always in my heart and I will never forget you! I love you more than words can express and you were the greatest man that anyone could ever meet,
Do not ever forget me because I will always have you deep in my mind.
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